my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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