god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You ruined the universe
Randomize
