oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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