talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
