Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
