Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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