That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
