your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
