2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
