I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
