I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
