At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
