My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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