A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
