so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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