don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
