umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
