There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
