Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
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My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
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Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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