Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
