i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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