My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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