at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
She needs sedatives and a leash
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
