Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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