God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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