im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
