Just cropdusted the office
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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