don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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