Jerry, you need to find god
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
