Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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