It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
