How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
