This is not my ceiling
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
