My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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