You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
