my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
