I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
