Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
