OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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