I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
