I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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