I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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