I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
