I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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