i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
