Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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