Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
