great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
