Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
