I am puke
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
