hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
