I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
