I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I could fuck to npr.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
