just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize