my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
