I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
