Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
