the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
