you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
