she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
