I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
