On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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