If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
